Christmas List

I've reached the point that when people ask me what I want for Christmas, I can't think of anything. It's not that I don't want anything, but it's more that what I want cannot be purchased at your local Target or Gap. You can't put a ribbon or bow on self-esteem. You can't wrap up weight loss and put it under the tree. You can't fit self-confidence in one of those bags with tissue paper. You can't buy a gift card for happiness. You can't find a boyfriend in a catalog and have him wrapped and shipped to you.
If only it were as easy as that. At times I wish I could go back in time and just smack myself for my choices. The real question is at what point would I return to make the most significant change? Which mistake would I like to change most? To not move to be with someone I loved? Not start down the road of that relationship to begin with? Go back to college and nudge myself down a better path for my career? Or go back to high school and shake myself to acceptance of myself? In the end, this is all hyperbole. I cannot go back in time, and I need to focus on the future, not the past. For life is forward motion, even when it feels like you're spinning your tires and keep looking in the rear view mirror.
What do I want for Christmas? A new life. I happy life. I life I can feel proud to have. And world peace.

men are stupid

it's wrong to email someone "let's *%ck" and then back out because you're "too tired" What's up with that? Get someone excited, and then back out! That's just evil.

Random thoughts

You should never buy books when you're drunk. You get home and then wonder what you were possibly thinking. Just because the author signed it doesn't mean that it's worth a read(especially if you've never read that author before). Next time buy the monkey book, it would at least be funny.

I hate making choices. If I'm in the mood to read this book now, will I still be in that mood when I get into the book? Will I lose interest or want to read something else? Then I feel so committed to finishing that first book, and it takes me forever to finish the first book because I'm just not into it. Why can't others just decide for me? Oh yeah, then I wouldn't like their decision, and resent it and them.

I've been in a mood to try to write my novel again. I've tried before, but can't quite seem to find the right voice. Why does my internal voice have laryngitis? Can I get a cup of lemon tea for my internal voice? It's not like I've used that voice so much it could have strained itself. Stupid internal vocal cords!

If you tell someone you no longer want him/her in your life, then why do you keep coming back to them? And why do you expect him/her to be the same after the 400,561st time? I know I can be a doormat, but even I'm not THAT bad!

I like wine. Been in a white wine mood lately. Of course, it's not the cheap stuff. Can't be that easy for me.

How much wood would a wood chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood? How does one chuck wood anyway? Maybe he can take a course in it. Or get "Chucking Wood for Dummies".

Here lies the Idealist...

Story Time.

Once upon a time, there was a prince(or at least that was the lie they told him), who lived in a magical kingdom. He grew up believing in a world where good always wins, and evil is always punished. He believed that if you work hard, then you would be rewarded. He believed in true love and the ability for love to conquer any adversity. Then he went out into the Real World. His beliefs were shattered, and he was left a lifeless husk of a man.

Good people are not always rewarded for their good works. Evil people are not punished for their evil deeds(they just get lucrative book deals). In fact, good people are often punished for their good deeds. Who knew the old adage of no good deed goes unpunished was actually true? Someone can be selfless, and the end result is that s/he will be hurt and left with nothing. The other person, on the other hand, leaves with the benefits of the labor and has a happily ever after.

No matter how hard you work, you will not get ahead. Loyalty means nothing. It’s not how hard you work or what you know, but whom you know. You can dutifully work for a company, and never get ahead. In fact, you can fall even further as a result of that hard work. If you stab your competitors in the back, you will succeed and move up.

True love is a farce. It is something that was invented by novelists, and perpetuated in modern times with Hollywood glitter. Tinkerbell has used her fairy dust and you cannot see reality. You give everything to someone, and they attack you for not doing enough. Love cannot conquer all. Unrequited love is rampant, and many would rather spend eternity as a tree rather than return that love.

This is the Real World. It has killed the Idealist. He entered the world with a fine set of ideals, but his heart and soul blackened with each blow to his worldview. Now he lies longing for a return of that magical kingdom. But he cannot return, he lost the map to his home. If he knew this would happen, would he have ever want to leave again?