dreams

Once I dreamed of trees. I would sit and think about growing tall and strong, like a hearty oak. I would reach for the sky, while my roots grew long and deep giving me sustenance. I would offer a cool place on a hot day. I would be the home base for a game of tag. My flowers would be beautiful and make sweet honey for the bees. My nuts would feed the squirrels in residence. My limbs would sway in the breeze.Now I can only think about flying away. I found that the soil in which I was planted was made of quicksand. I can only dream of growing the wings of a raven, and soaring away to a better place.

Change

In high school, I always enjoyed starting papers with defining my terms fully before I try to talk about them. That seems like a good place to start now.

Change (v. tr.)
1. To cause to be different
2. To give a completely different form or appearance to; transform
3. To lay aside, abandon, or leave for another; switch

Amazing how one little word can mean so many things(and I have only chosen a couple of the definitions I was able to find). At the same time, each definition has it's own distinct ability to convey the same basic concept.

I've always been a firm believer in the concept that a person has the ability to change. The real question though is how does one actually go about doing this. Is it a complex series of events that occur over a long period of time and much thought, or can it be as simple as putting on a new shirt? Is it a fully internal event, or are there external signs? Is it something that can be objectively observed or is it a relative experience that cannot be quantified by outsiders?

I don't suppose to know the answers to these questions, but it is an interesting line of conjecture.

"God splits the skin with a jagged thumbnail from throat to belly and then plunges a huge filthy hand in, he grabs hold of your bloody tubes and they slip to evade his grasp but he squeezes hard, he insists, he pulls and pulls till all your innards are yanked out and the pain! We can't even talk about that. And then he stuffs them back, dirty, tangled, and torn. It's up to you to do the stitching." - Tony Kushner "Angles in America"

I read that quote, and it seems so appropriate. That seems like how it must be to change. Something that is painful, and difficult. A process that is not clean. It's not a nice neat surgical cut made in an operating room by a trained professional who will try to ensure your safety from infection. It's big, dirty, and something that you must play the most important role.

I think that is the key to it all. If you are to change and have that change be long lasting, you need to have some role in the change. You must notice the change and ensure that it is something that you want.

Though at times I wish it were as simple as a caterpillar who builds a cocoon and goes to sleep to awaken months later as a beautiful butterfly. Unfortunately, change is not always for the better. Though that too is a relative concept.

I want my cocoon now. Some protection from the slings and arrows from the world would be nice.

Christmas List

I've reached the point that when people ask me what I want for Christmas, I can't think of anything. It's not that I don't want anything, but it's more that what I want cannot be purchased at your local Target or Gap. You can't put a ribbon or bow on self-esteem. You can't wrap up weight loss and put it under the tree. You can't fit self-confidence in one of those bags with tissue paper. You can't buy a gift card for happiness. You can't find a boyfriend in a catalog and have him wrapped and shipped to you.
If only it were as easy as that. At times I wish I could go back in time and just smack myself for my choices. The real question is at what point would I return to make the most significant change? Which mistake would I like to change most? To not move to be with someone I loved? Not start down the road of that relationship to begin with? Go back to college and nudge myself down a better path for my career? Or go back to high school and shake myself to acceptance of myself? In the end, this is all hyperbole. I cannot go back in time, and I need to focus on the future, not the past. For life is forward motion, even when it feels like you're spinning your tires and keep looking in the rear view mirror.
What do I want for Christmas? A new life. I happy life. I life I can feel proud to have. And world peace.

men are stupid

it's wrong to email someone "let's *%ck" and then back out because you're "too tired" What's up with that? Get someone excited, and then back out! That's just evil.

Random thoughts

You should never buy books when you're drunk. You get home and then wonder what you were possibly thinking. Just because the author signed it doesn't mean that it's worth a read(especially if you've never read that author before). Next time buy the monkey book, it would at least be funny.

I hate making choices. If I'm in the mood to read this book now, will I still be in that mood when I get into the book? Will I lose interest or want to read something else? Then I feel so committed to finishing that first book, and it takes me forever to finish the first book because I'm just not into it. Why can't others just decide for me? Oh yeah, then I wouldn't like their decision, and resent it and them.

I've been in a mood to try to write my novel again. I've tried before, but can't quite seem to find the right voice. Why does my internal voice have laryngitis? Can I get a cup of lemon tea for my internal voice? It's not like I've used that voice so much it could have strained itself. Stupid internal vocal cords!

If you tell someone you no longer want him/her in your life, then why do you keep coming back to them? And why do you expect him/her to be the same after the 400,561st time? I know I can be a doormat, but even I'm not THAT bad!

I like wine. Been in a white wine mood lately. Of course, it's not the cheap stuff. Can't be that easy for me.

How much wood would a wood chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood? How does one chuck wood anyway? Maybe he can take a course in it. Or get "Chucking Wood for Dummies".

Here lies the Idealist...

Story Time.

Once upon a time, there was a prince(or at least that was the lie they told him), who lived in a magical kingdom. He grew up believing in a world where good always wins, and evil is always punished. He believed that if you work hard, then you would be rewarded. He believed in true love and the ability for love to conquer any adversity. Then he went out into the Real World. His beliefs were shattered, and he was left a lifeless husk of a man.

Good people are not always rewarded for their good works. Evil people are not punished for their evil deeds(they just get lucrative book deals). In fact, good people are often punished for their good deeds. Who knew the old adage of no good deed goes unpunished was actually true? Someone can be selfless, and the end result is that s/he will be hurt and left with nothing. The other person, on the other hand, leaves with the benefits of the labor and has a happily ever after.

No matter how hard you work, you will not get ahead. Loyalty means nothing. It’s not how hard you work or what you know, but whom you know. You can dutifully work for a company, and never get ahead. In fact, you can fall even further as a result of that hard work. If you stab your competitors in the back, you will succeed and move up.

True love is a farce. It is something that was invented by novelists, and perpetuated in modern times with Hollywood glitter. Tinkerbell has used her fairy dust and you cannot see reality. You give everything to someone, and they attack you for not doing enough. Love cannot conquer all. Unrequited love is rampant, and many would rather spend eternity as a tree rather than return that love.

This is the Real World. It has killed the Idealist. He entered the world with a fine set of ideals, but his heart and soul blackened with each blow to his worldview. Now he lies longing for a return of that magical kingdom. But he cannot return, he lost the map to his home. If he knew this would happen, would he have ever want to leave again?