dreams

Once I dreamed of trees. I would sit and think about growing tall and strong, like a hearty oak. I would reach for the sky, while my roots grew long and deep giving me sustenance. I would offer a cool place on a hot day. I would be the home base for a game of tag. My flowers would be beautiful and make sweet honey for the bees. My nuts would feed the squirrels in residence. My limbs would sway in the breeze.Now I can only think about flying away. I found that the soil in which I was planted was made of quicksand. I can only dream of growing the wings of a raven, and soaring away to a better place.

Change

In high school, I always enjoyed starting papers with defining my terms fully before I try to talk about them. That seems like a good place to start now.

Change (v. tr.)
1. To cause to be different
2. To give a completely different form or appearance to; transform
3. To lay aside, abandon, or leave for another; switch

Amazing how one little word can mean so many things(and I have only chosen a couple of the definitions I was able to find). At the same time, each definition has it's own distinct ability to convey the same basic concept.

I've always been a firm believer in the concept that a person has the ability to change. The real question though is how does one actually go about doing this. Is it a complex series of events that occur over a long period of time and much thought, or can it be as simple as putting on a new shirt? Is it a fully internal event, or are there external signs? Is it something that can be objectively observed or is it a relative experience that cannot be quantified by outsiders?

I don't suppose to know the answers to these questions, but it is an interesting line of conjecture.

"God splits the skin with a jagged thumbnail from throat to belly and then plunges a huge filthy hand in, he grabs hold of your bloody tubes and they slip to evade his grasp but he squeezes hard, he insists, he pulls and pulls till all your innards are yanked out and the pain! We can't even talk about that. And then he stuffs them back, dirty, tangled, and torn. It's up to you to do the stitching." - Tony Kushner "Angles in America"

I read that quote, and it seems so appropriate. That seems like how it must be to change. Something that is painful, and difficult. A process that is not clean. It's not a nice neat surgical cut made in an operating room by a trained professional who will try to ensure your safety from infection. It's big, dirty, and something that you must play the most important role.

I think that is the key to it all. If you are to change and have that change be long lasting, you need to have some role in the change. You must notice the change and ensure that it is something that you want.

Though at times I wish it were as simple as a caterpillar who builds a cocoon and goes to sleep to awaken months later as a beautiful butterfly. Unfortunately, change is not always for the better. Though that too is a relative concept.

I want my cocoon now. Some protection from the slings and arrows from the world would be nice.